Something Like Love

So lately, I've been in deep though over whether or not I should move on, not just with my dad situation, but move on in general. It seems as though I keep getting stuck in a rut, and I don't know why I can't get out of it. I asked someone to prom and she said yes, why can't I do that more often? I mean, being able to ask someone to do something.. I should be able to, but I can't. It seems as though I can't be with anyone I like.. even a little. It's so odd, a lot of people say that there isn't any curses or anything, but sometimes I feel like I'm cursed. I really am in love with someone, and I wish I could be with her, but I can't because she doesn't want to be with me, and even if she did, she has a boyfriend, I wish I could figure that out first of all.

I don't know why I keep living, but it's just something I've got to do. Suicide has seemed like it is a looming thought in my mind every time something goes wrong, probably a lot of people think, "I wish I was dead" at moments that make the soul feel dead. That makes sense though, life longs for inner consistency, something that goes through your whole body. The thing about your soul and your body, is once your body dies, it's gone, but when your soul dies, when it feels immense pain, it comes back to life. Which kind of corroborates my theory that a human's soul is purely an extension of God's spirit. I wish I could get away from myself, sometimes. I'm sure a lot of people feel that way. The point is that people want to be balanced. Those who take an active approach to a thought of suicide are those who are suicidal, and those who are passive about it are.. well.. it seems everyone else.

Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe everyone isn't as crazy as I am. Not likely though. My favorite thing about the girl I previously mentioned, is the fact that we are always on the same page. We understand each other, something we both want from a spouse someday, but.. it seems as that doesn't matter that I completely embody everything she needs as a spouse... I wish I mattered to her as she does to me, but I'm sure I don't. I could write a million poems, and a thousand songs, and I could sing them to her, in anyway should would like, and it wouldn't matter, I'd still be the best friend that is extremely in love with her.. I'd still be the best friend.

Lately, I've been active, doing things. It's felt better, all last week I was doing something, it was really good for me, but it didn't last. The weekend came around and I started making contact with the sources of my depression and I felt sad again. Today, I felt so angry. I felt like I wanted to attack the first person to offend me. Maybe it's not so much today, as it is every day. I've been working a lot on learning how to play the guitar better.. I hope that I can become a musician, that'd be the best thing for me. I just want to be able to share with other people, what I can write, and what I can sing, and how I feel through those notes and lyrics.

My friend's dad has been giving me a lot of good advice lately. I really appreciate it. I always find that I am in complete devastation because of my dad, but he was right when he said, that I don't need a dad, because I already have one, he never left me. Last week we read a story in English called "The Story of an Hour" by Kate Chopin. It's a fairly short story, but I enjoyed it, until we started discussing it. My view on the story is that pain can make you completely delusional. That love, and death are not associated with each other. Love conquers death, or maybe death conquers love.

I feel that applies to my life. What defines love, or is love even definitive? If no one loves you, can you love? I don't know sometimes. People hold so much in, and I can totally relate because I'm probably the best as walling myself off from reality.

Fantasy, the known, love, life and light.
Reality, the unknown, hate, death and darkness.
We're somewhere in between.

There Are No Happy Endings

because nothing ever ends.

lately, I've been quite sad.. and I've been thinking about my dad, and it's been hard for me, and I just can't figure out why I just can't let go. People usually say I need to let go, but yesterday someone said I don't need to let go. Sometimes I think I'd be dishonoring him if I did let go, but I don't really know anymore, because things have gotten so hard for me. It's not so much situation, it's just everything is the same, I am just thinking about it more. I don't know who I am, and I wish I did. Maybe it's because people tell me who I am.. or maybe it's because I don't want to know, because I'm afraid I'll figure out I'm not who I want to be, although to ever be what I want to be, I have to realize who I am right now. Lately I've been really into "The Wall" by Pink Floyd, but I think it's because Roger Waters and I have so much in common, and I wish we didn't because then i wouldn't be in so much pain. But honestly, there is an emotional wall between me and everyone else.. well me and most people.. There are a few people who I do let through.. but not many.. I just hope to figure things out... I really do..

Tyler..